Just ask any doctor, nurse, CNA, EMT, paramedic, PA, or NP for their most hilarious patient quotes and a wonderful conversation will ensue.  Here are some of my favorites from my Facebook page and Twitter.

(Names were removed in the spirit of the most notorious animal in the world, the HIPAA-potamus.  Abbreviations were written out for the ease of reading.)

Hilarious Patient Quotes from Direct Care Workers

Hilarious Patient Quotes

Patient pushing out a baby screaming, “THIS IS SO COOOOOOOL” while she watched it all in a mirror.

Asking post bowel resection how she’s feeling.  Patient replies, “Well, I’ve been playing the butt trumpet all day.  We’re making progress.”

“Ma’am, I don’t want to alarm you but there’s a bear taking a s*** in the corner of my room.”

Me asking an admit: “Have you ever had a stroke before?” Patient: “I’ve code blued three times before… is that a stroke?”

Son awakening after tonsilectomy in Catholic hospital and seeing cross on the wall “Well, hello Jesus.”

88 year-old female upon pulling out her foley: ” Look honey, I found my diaphragm.”

Pt: “Kendall… You’ve been encouraging me to fart all day. And I did.”
Me: “Good job!!”
Pt: “But I sharted.”

85 year old female: “You see that hotel over there?”
Me: “Umm.. Yes.”
85 year old female: “I’d take you there and sap you like a maple tree.”

Me: “Ever had any surgeries?”
Patient: “Yeah, a DWI in 2011.”
Me: “… Surgeries, not felonies”
Patient:  “Oh!  No.  None of those.”

Cute patient who states she is President Woodrow Wilson, it’s 1896, and I’m doing a terrible job passing a bill.

Leaving the room after inserting a foley catheter hearing,”What no kiss goodnight!” from the doorway.

“My lady garden has some serious bunny munching the last few days.” Patient describing her vaginal itching.

“Sweetheart, when you get to be my age the last thrill left is wondering if those shocky pads really work.”

Upon walking into my patient’s room for the first time after report:  “You look like the woman my husband left me for… she was a tramp. Are you a tramp?”

I once had a patient try to tell me she needed a suppository. But she couldn’t think of the word so she said, “I need a wax bullet up the butt!” Now every time I have to give a patient a suppository I think of that and laugh.

Patient: “Oh honey, you smell good.”
Me: “I’m glad to hear that. I feel like I’m sweating like a hog.”
Patient: “Well, maybe that is your secret. Everybody loves bacon!”

Doctor asked debilitated patient how long it had been since she had sex. Patient asked, “Sex? What is that, a virus?”

“I want to tell you how hard it has been for me not to tell you how bad I wanted to put my tongue in your belly button.”

What are your favorite hilarious patient quotes?!